‘Tis the season ladies and gentlemen.
The lights are shining bright, snow is falling from the sky, carolers are still creepily knocking on neighbors’ doors to sing to them with zero permission…
The Christmas season is in full swing. While this means a lot of dreaded time with Uncle Jim and his annoying children, it also means there will be more holiday parties than you would ever want to attend. One holiday party that a majority of working Americans will attend is the office holiday party. The Super Bowl takes place in February every year, and corporate America’s Super Bowl takes place just before Santa shoves his fatass down the chimney.
Corporate America LOVES the office holiday party. It is my duty to bestow my knowledge on how to survive said holiday party. The goal here is to make sure “find a new job” is not part of your New Year’s resolution.
Now there are myriad of different types of corporate holiday parties. We have your low-budget parties in the break room that could include your boss gifting an iPod as a white elephant gift. We have your swanky black-tie events that are so over the top they make you question HR when they said “there just isn’t enough money in the budget” after you asked for a raise back in October. Lastly, we have your standard run-of-the-mill office holiday party on a Thursday night. The one that is at a nice venue with an open bar where you stuff your face with hors d’oeuvres all night to prevent the inevitable hangover at work the next day. I am going to teach you how to survive this party.
We will start off with the RSVP. Now, I always suggest skipping the holiday party. You spend almost every waking hour with your coworkers, there is no need to spend time with them outside of work simply to talk about work. If you do want to skip the holiday party, you need a rock-solid excuse. Everyone from Karen in accounting to John in IT will ask you if you are attending the holiday party as it arrives. Good luck telling them you aren’t going because you don’t feel like it. Remember, this is corporate America’s Super Bowl. You have to show up if you don’t have a legitimate excuse.
We have arrived at the day of the party. Make sure you have a hefty lunch. I previously mentioned the lack of food at the later festivities, so make sure a good base is set. Now, the key here is handling your drinking to the best of your ability. There will most likely be a meet-up with your team at a local bar before the party. It is important to attend this event, as this adds to the overall “face time” exposure. Have a beer or two at this event, and make sure your boss sees you are there.
Once you arrive to the event, the most important part of the night arrives. The most important part of the night is locating the exit. Make sure you find a good exit for your inevitable Irish goodbye in an hour. Next, find the hors d’oeuvres. You haven’t eaten since lunch and this is your dinner. The drinks will catch up to you very fast, so stuffing your face with mini hot dogs is crucial.
Now that we are stuffed and finished our first drink at the party, it is time to increase the “face time” exposure. Make sure to make conversation with a few team members and your boss. Go around and talk to other coworkers you may know in other departments. Keep the conversations quick as we are limited on time and need to be sure as many people as possible recognize you are at the party.
You want to have about 2-3 drinks at the actual event. This will put you around 4-5 drinks for the night over multiple hours. It may leave you with a tiny buzz, but not enough to warrant a hangover in the office the next day. Now it is time to make your exit. Order your Uber while you are talking with Suzy in HR, politely excuse yourself to the bathroom, grab your jacket, and head out the door without saying goodbye to a single soul. Saying goodbye to anyone will only lead to them begging you to stay longer.
You will walk into the office feeling like a million bucks while the rest of the office will be absolutely miserable. The expectations of the day will be embarrassingly low as everyone is hungover, so you get to enjoy your day with virtually zero responsibilities. It is a foolproof system that has yet to fail me.
Follow these instructions and you won’t need to think about filing for unemployment in 2020.