Why do people perform these unspeakable acts in an office?

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Today started off as a wonderful little Thursday. There was a nice fall crisp in the air. The podcast I listened to had a particularly funny debate about jeans versus sweatpants as I commuted in, shoutout KFC Radio. Life was good.

Keyword there is was. You see, I just started a new job a few months ago. I have no real complaints yet. I don’t have to make 60 cold calls a day anymore. I don’t have to deal with people constantly hanging up on me. Like I said before, Life was good.

Keyword there is was. I do have new coworkers. I think it is very simple to follow standard office courtesy.  There are a few things you absolutely should not do in an office. One of my new coworkers decided to perform a heinous act that all but ruined the lovely Thursday I was having.

Without further adieu, here are the few things you absolutely should not do in an office:

Heating Up Fish 

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The fact that people still do this is beyond me. This could be the oldest adage in the office book, do not heat up fish in the break room microwave. It is the golden rule of office courtesy. I get it, fish is a great dinner. It is light. It has a nice soft texture to it. You always would like leftovers for lunch at work the next day if possible. When you eat fish for dinner, you sacrifice the option of the leftovers. Don’t even get me started on anyone that eats tuna in an office setting, those people should be sent to the farm like an old dog.

Healthy Lunch Comment Lady

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This one hits very close to home for me. It may not affect everyone but it drives me absolutely insane. You see, I bring my lunch to work almost every single day. It saves me money and I can eat as healthy as I would like. It is a very practical move and really does not take much time at home. People at the work place think I am Emeril Lagasse. I show up with a burrito bowl and Suzy in HR strolls in and goes ” Oh wow, eating healthy I see! Did you make that all by yourself?!?!” Yes, I made this by myself. It took me 20 minutes Suzy. Go enjoy your McDonald’s for the 3rd time this week and remember summer bods are built in the winter.

Replay All

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Let’s be honest, this does not need a long explanation. We don’t care that you are complimenting someone for everyone else to see. We do not need to see that GIF or meme. Just send it to one person for God’s sake. End of comment.

Sick Coworker

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No one wants to use their sick days for when they are actually sick, I get that. You would rather use them to fake sick, lay in bed all day, and binge watch Netflix. There is no one that is a bigger fan of the mental health day than this guy. That being said, if you come into work actually sick then you are an asshole of epic proportions. Hearing you cough, sniffle, wheeze, and blow your nose is lovely! Your coworkers love that! On top of that, they now also are sick. How great! Stay home please, for the love of God stay home.

Nail Clipper

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CLIP…CLIP….CLIP

That was the deafening sound I heard this morning. It is one that you cannot just zone out. The second you hear it, your ears perk up. Is someone seriously cutting their nails at their desk??! You look around in shock, this cannot be happening. Eyes darting from cube to cube, you need to know the culprit of this barbaric move. Once you find the felon committing the crime, you never look at them the same again. Cutting your nails in any space other than the bathroom is the definition of pre-crime. Human beings that cut their nails at their desk are bound to commit a much larger crime in the coming years of their life. Do not trust these people. Do not speak to them. Most importantly, stay as far away as humanly possible. The last thing you want is their right pinky nail flying over the cube wall and landing in your keyboard.

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