The French Fry. The ultimate bar side. The only thing better attached to the French name may be the French kiss. Even that is debatable.
You see, like the human race there are all different types of fries. Some are similar. Some are completely different. They come in all different shapes and sizes. They even taste different. Which one is really the best though? There are moods for each type of fry. Some taste better with certain dishes. Some are a bit healthier than others. At the end of the day, they are all fantastic. I am convinced they are the greatest side there is. Ain’t that America!
Now I think it is most important to first list the different types of fries we are working with here.
Standard Cut Fries
Your traditional French fry. The one you can count on. You know exactly how these fries are going to taste when you order them. They are old reliable. There are technically multiple fries that fall under this category. Crinkle cut, shoe string, steak fries, etc. We are going to put them all under one umbrella for the sake of time here. This fry is the American staple. McDonald’s built an empire on perfecting this type of fry. Needless to say, if you don’t at least like this type of fry then you should probably just pack your stuff up and move to another country. We would prefer to not have you here.
The tater tot is a very interesting fella. They are a different consistency than most fries and have a much more down home taste to them. They also feel endless, I feel like anyone could eat 50 tater tots without blinking an eye. Although they are the densest of all the fries, they actually feel the lightest. I don’t know why that is the case, let’s just run with it.
The waffle fry has some pizzazz to it. The waffle fry is basically the traditional fry on Extreme Makeover. At it’s core, this fry is the same but you can tell something is a little different with it. It is like the friend in college who studied abroad for a semester. They come back acting a little bit different, they want to create this facade that they are now more cultured and above you. Deep down, you know they are the same dick head they were before. Quit trying to be someone you’re not waffle fry, accept who you are.
This is going to be a hot take, but I think the curly fry is the most overrated fry there is. They are usually cooked differently and frankly they taste different than most fries. I feel like they are often much greasier than their cousins in the fry family. Arby’s has taken this fry and absolutely run with it. I actually like Arby’s so that isn’t even what changed my view on these guys. I don’t know curly fries are more shine than substance in my book.
Sweet Potato Fries
Let’s just call a spade a spade. This is the “I’m at a bar eating so I am cool but I want everyone to think I am trying to be healthy” fry. You order these with your chicken sandwich to make yourself feel better. You think since you ordered those together that this meal really isn’t that bad for you. It also shows everyone else that you care about your health. You do you relatively healthy person, but you’re not fooling anyone.
Instead of ordering potato wedges, why don’t you just order baked potato and eat it whole? Potato wedges are absolute trash. They are considered more potato than fry in my book. Yes, I know a fry is a potato but you get what I am saying. They are hardly in the fry family and are just trying to tag along for the fame. Fries are more glamorous than a boring potato. I get it. Just stay in your lane potato wedge and realize you are the scum of the french fry family.
There are a couple within each family that I could break down even more but that would get too complicated. Without further adieu, here are my final rankings.
1. Standard Cut Fries
2. Waffle Fries
3. Tater Tots
4. Sweet Potato Fries
5. Curly Fries
6. Potato Wedges